blah blah life is fucked up.

where to start, i honestly do wish that it was still 2006, that year was amazing, there was nothing to worry about, nothing to deal with, no responsibility!

3 years have gone by and each one has gotten more fucked up. not saying that everything was a total disaster, but after summer 08 everything just kinda blew up basically.
there are people who were really special to me in my life who are no longer in it, some pushed away, others had to be pushed away and one was taken away. i really do regret that year, losing a best friend was hard - trying to remember why is even harder. its sad how people who are so close can easily turn that around to the point where there isn't even any eye contact. losing my papa, the only person i really felt close to in my whole family being taken away from me was one of the hardest things i had to deal with. and somedays i really do think to myself that it still hasn't hit me. i regret so much not seeing him as much as i could in the last week. and if i could go back in time i would totally change that. but i guess that would be the only thing i'd change in my life. because the people who walked out of my life have altered it pretty nicely - fair enough its brought the bitchiest arguments i've ever heard and pathetic remarks, but in the end i've become a better person and talk to more people and basically i just want to thank them for that - and only that.

well i haven't half ranted my way through that - and there is more.

why do people lie? it gets you absolutley fucking no where, so why? you tell me one thing, then all your pals tell me another thing and then i don't know who to believe because i don't want to believe your pals cos that would mean you had lied to me. then i feel hurt and upset but you don't know that cos you clearly don't understand that i actually like you. i also don't understand why i am still here - in the same position i have been for a few months now. sticking up for you and just brushing off the lies and the lame ass excuses that you give me. sometimes you make me feel so low, and the next day you will react like nothing ever happened so i will just go along with that. why do i do this? its so mega stupid! i guess its because i really like you, and i always want to believe that the people i love are good, even when they are clearly not.

i need to get a grip off life tbh. :) xoxo